


Public Fraud

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 08:57:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's the public face, and then there's the reality we go home to. Post TSbyBS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Public Fraud

## Public Fraud

by Scala

They don't belong to me. They belong to other people who should either just set them free or put us out of our misery and release them on DVD. Freedom either way.

This is my first Sentinel fic, so be kind. Feedback made very welcome. Thanks to Bunny and SuSu for all the encouragement.

Warning: never decide you're going to write your first Sentinel story at 11.15pm on a work night. Never, okay?

* * *

Public Fraud 

By  
Scala 

It didn't take long for the little presentation ceremony to break up. After all, this is a police station and although Connor and Simon were still officially on medical leave, the rest of us did have work to do. Okay, so my work required me to sit behind a desk because of my leg, but hey, work is work and I do have to earn a living here. 

Simon wouldn't give me back the gold shield I'd borrowed. Said he didn't want it getting lost, just in case I happened to give Sandburg his promotion before he'd gone through the proper channels. But he should know I always do things by the book. He should know that, right? 

So it was just Joel and Sandburg and me standing by my desk a few minutes later. Sandburg was still smoothing his hair down (like that made a difference) and Joel was still chuckling. He clapped a hand on Sandburg's shoulder and gave it a friendly squeeze. 

'Blair, I hope you know what you're doing, taking this on. Either way, we'll be glad to have you.' 

'Thanks, man.' 

'I better go and get some work done. I'll see you later.' 

'Yeah, later. Thanks again, Joel.' 

Joel headed back towards his desk and the noise in the bull pen resettled to its usual level, with phones ringing and people talking, doors slamming, and chairs moving. There were workmen over by the elevator, replacing the last of the glass Zoeller had shot out. When they were finished, there would be no sign that terrible day had ever happened. 

No _outward_ sign, that is. 

'So, Jim,' Sandburg shoved his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. I knew the gesture. It reeked of insecurity. 'Are you ah ... gonna stick around here for a while, or do you need a ride home?' 

Not once during this short speech did he look me in the eye. This too, I recognized. Along with the slight shortness of breath, the tone of his voice, the altogether grey stillness with which he held himself. I knew all these signs. He'd taught me how to observe at this level, and he'd taught me how to use my senses to deepen such understanding. 

He'd just never told me what I should do with the information. 

'Well, I do have some paperwork to take care of,' I replied, shrugging to ease the sudden sharpness in my voice. 'You could always-' 

He cut me off with the tenth forced grin I'd seen that afternoon. 'Hey, no sweat, man. I have some errands to run. Say I wait for you downstairs in a couple hours.' 

'Oh, sure. No hurry.' 

For a split second, the eyes did flick up to meet mine and in them I saw fear and hope and way too much uncertainty. I couldn't address any of it. Not here, not when there was still so much ... 

'Catch you later, man.' And with that, he was gone, slipping through the bull pen the way I felt he was slipping through my fingers. 

It wasn't until I'd sunk into my chair that I realized my fists were clenched, as though I could hold onto him. 

Why should I? I mean, he's a man, self-sufficient, intelligent, resourceful. He's an adult, for all the times I've called him a kid. Why should I try to hold onto him? Why pull in every favour I was owed to get him the offer of that badge? Just because I couldn't bear the idea of him sacrificing everything and ending up with nothing? 

I am so full of shit. No wonder he doesn't want to be around me any more. 

* * *

Going down the last two flights of stairs I had to run before I suffocated. I hit the street like Lash was on my tail and didn't slow down until I was around the corner and half way to the park. 

Asshole! Dumbass! Idiot! Why? Why, why, why, did he have to do that in front of everybody? Why? So that I couldn't refuse? Was that it? So he could humiliate me into doing what he wanted? So he could remind me that I didn't even have a life now? So that he could rub it in how much I owed him? 

I had to stop in the shade of an elm. I leaned my back on its trunk and bent forward, catching my breath. It wasn't until I straightened up that I felt the moisture on my face. Tears. Again. 

No. It wasn't his fault. I had to keep reminding myself of that. About once every ten minutes. Not his fault. All my fault. Sure, he'd been pretty quick to jump down my throat, but truth is, I didn't do anything to protect his identity - after I'd made all those promises that I would. And hey, it was just a book. It might have been my life's work, but it could never be more important to me than Jim and even now, two weeks later, I don't regret throwing it all away. 

But ... but I just ... I guess I just didn't expect the aftermath to feel like this. Cleaning out my office at Rainier had felt like being kicked out of home. Worse, as that place had been more of a home to me than any my mom had created for us when I was a kid. 

I wiped my face, clearing away the evidence. I had a couple of hours to waste and make it look like I was spending my time usefully. 

* * *

I know the first time it happened was after the fountain, and I discovered that Sandburg's vision was the same as mine. I know that was the very first instance, but I just didn't know it at the time. Afterwards, I was sure there had been other moments, but I just couldn't identify them. So yeah, the first time was the fountain, and I can see that now, but it wasn't until ... well, until Veronica that I actually saw it. I thought for a long time that Veronica was the catalyst. Like I said, I'm full of shit. 

But Sandburg knew. He called me on it. Kept trying to tell me that I couldn't see the forest for the trees, that I was allowing my feelings to get in the way of me seeing the truth - which, when you think about it, was pretty damned rich considering what I'd told him after Sweet Roy had been killed and the shit I fed him afterwards during the whole Ventriss debacle. I hate it when my own words are fed back to me, especially by him. It only proves to me that he listens to what I say, that he's capable of learning and that I'm not. Sure, I've changed - I just haven't changed enough. 

Veronica betrayed me. Not once, but twice. And damnit, I set myself up for the second one. And why? Because of the first time. Because I hadn't fought for her the first time. So she comes back into my life and I feel all this stuff I haven't felt since ... well, since forever, and then she just ... just walks all over me. Again. Just like Lila did. And yeah, Carolyn, and ... all of them. 

But most of all, _worst_ of all, Sandburg. 

Basic difference is, so far, he's stayed around to take responsibility for his actions. And yeah, I guess I know he didn't do it deliberately to hurt me. 

Didn't stop it from hurting, though. 

Which was why I couldn't say anything. I mean, how can I? It's been one thing after another. Sure, I went off the deep end with his introductory chapter and I did apologize for that. But then, two weeks later, he lies to me about Alex! I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? Not that I really have a choice in the matter. No, not Mr Throwback, here. No way. 

And how could I say anything with him lying in a hospital bed, oxygen fed into his nose, making jokes about how the water is fine? Was that the point at which to say something? 'Cause if I'd been him, I would have laughed myself silly. There was no time between chasing after Alex, and coming back from Sierra Verde and him getting better and going back to work before Kincaid and then Veronica. And of course, that's when I really noticed that I was in love with him. 

I tried to find a way. Really I did. Like that night when he sat up with me in that empty apartment, waiting for Molly's ghost to appear. Christ, he'd had so much faith in me, in my abilities. I was so used to it, I hardly noticed. But we could hardly talk about us while recording the paranormal, could we? And then he got seriously sidetracked by Ventriss - and then his hormones all jumped up with Lindsey and little Tyler. Man, his taste in women is about as lethal as mine. And shouldn't that be yelling something at him? 

He taught me to observe at this level. He taught me to sublimate all this information, to allow my instincts to draw their own conclusions without aid of conscious thought. He says that's how animals in the wild stay alive. Well, I'm alive and I'm here. It's just that, I'm losing him, and I don't know how to keep him. I'm not even sure any more, whether I should try. 

* * *

Jim was waiting for me in the parking garage by the time I got back to the truck. Though I knew he hated me driving it, there was no way he could fold himself into the Volvo with a leg injury. Still, in another few days, he'd be able to drive himself and then he wouldn't need me at all. 

He did talk on the drive home. I know I responded. I even stopped at the bakery on the way home, to get some fresh bread to go with the soup I'd planned for dinner. Then I parked on Prospect and we got out, and we went inside and up to the loft. And we went in and did the stuff we always did, with a beer each and the TV turned on and dinner bubbling away and everything, absolutely everything on the surface felt exactly the same as it always had and I think that's what made me do it. 

'Jim?' I was standing in the kitchen, giving the soup a stir in between slicing up the bread. The table was set, the salad made. I was as prepared as I could be. 

Jim barely glanced away from the TV. I guess he was still checking to see if he was still a news item. He wasn't, but I could understand this paranoia at least. 'Yeah?' 

'I think that ... um ... maybe it's time I moved out.' 

'Uh huh.' He flicked another couple of channels and I knew better than to take this off-hand response as his last word. After a minute or so, he switched the TV off and levered himself to his feet, refusing to use the walking cane to get him across the living room floor. 'Why?' 

'Why?' My mind had wandered, even if his hadn't. 

'Why is it time you moved out? Do I need to remind you you're not exactly in a position to be paying rent?' 

'Thanks for that, Jim.' I stiffened, unable to help it. 'I'd forgotten. You're right. I'm a penniless bum, a public fraud and I owe you the very food I eat. Sorry, what was I thinking?' I carefully put the bread knife down and stepped away from the counter. A sudden wave of overwhelming anger ripped through me, leaving me gasping and dizzy. A man who _had_ nothing, _was_ nothing, right? Right? Christ, I couldn't even claim I had self-respect any more! 

'Chief?' I jumped when Jim's hand landed on my shoulder. The heat of it burned me. 'Hey, Chief, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry. I just ...' 

I twisted away from him. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just gone. But I'd wanted him to understand, so that maybe he could explain it to me. 

I just wanted it over. 

* * *

Watching him like this killed me more surely than any bullet could. He was pulling himself apart for no reason. He didn't understand, and that was my fault. He blamed himself for everything, and that was also my fault - because I'd blamed him as well. 

'Chief, please, just ...' 

He didn't look up, but the tension in his shoulders could have held up a bridge. 'Just what? Jim, I think it's just best if I cut out of here, you know? I'll be fine, you know I will. But there's too much going on here, too much ... history and ... I don't have a ... place in this life any more. It's all gone. You know that's true.' 

I swallowed hard. How could I deny it? Was now the time to tell him he had a new place? When I knew full well that place wouldn't be enough for anybody, assuming he even wanted it, which I knew he didn't. 

But I hadn't followed-through with Veronica and she'd betrayed me. This time I had to go right to the last freeze-frame. I reached out both hands, putting one each on Blair's shoulders. I waited until he looked up, until I could see the hard despair in his eyes, the glistening wetness that told me he needed to cry but didn't dare start. I tried to put enough into my gaze to counteract all that, but I don't think I succeeded. Even so, I pulled him closer, until I could wrap my arms around him, the way I'd wanted to do that afternoon in the bull pen, with everyone watching. 

He was stiff in my arms, a hard rock of impenetrable rage and black mourning. But I didn't let go. Instead, I rubbed his back gently, eased my footing to make his position more comfortable, and held on. Gradually, slowly, he relaxed. Then, in an unguarded moment, I took a deep breath, filling my soul with his scent. As I exhaled, so too did the last of his tension. Like a glove, he just melted against me, wrapped his arms around my waist and held on. 

That's when I knew I'd finally lost. 

* * *

'It doesn't work, man,' I murmured into Jim's shoulder, unwilling to let go in order to have this conversation. I figured, he's a sentinel; he can dial it up to hear me. 'This is just all fucked, you know? Like, I can't go to the Academy, not after I've declared myself a fraud. And I am a fraud. I fucked up the whole diss, and nearly got you killed because I couldn't ... couldn't ... I can't stay here, man. Not after everything. I saw the writing on the wall with Alex. I just didn't want to read it, you know? But Jim, I gotta leave. I gotta move out. Maybe even get out of Cascade for a few months, maybe a year. I need to ... to ...' 

'To what?' Jim's voice was a warm whisper and it nearly broke me in two. I think he sensed that, because he just held me harder. 

'Don't you see this is sick, man! I mean, we're two guys, with this big public fraud thing just happened between us, and you think people are just gonna buy us being partners? You don't think they're going to think that's strange?' 

'Chief, I don't care what people think.' 

'Yes you do,' I whispered back. 'You will if they think you're a sentinel.' 

'Chief,' Jim began, then paused, as though he were gathering words to use as ammunition. 'Blair, you're right about one thing. We do need to take some time over this. We need to let this whole thing become a one-day wonder. In another few weeks, people will have forgotten all about it.' 

'Sure, until I give my first testimony in court and my fraud is trotted out to prove I'm an unreliable witness.' 

'That won't happen. By the time it could be a problem, we'll have fixed it.' 

'Oh?' I leaned back to look at his face, the anger once more rippling beneath my skin, like an alien ready to attack. 'And how is that going to happen, eh?' 

Jim's gaze held steady. I could see the flickering of invisible lights in his eyes, making them almost grey. That's when I realized he was still holding me, that his hard body was still close to mine, like we were lovers or something, like we belonged together. Then he shook his head slowly, just a little, and the corners of his mouth lifted in something that wasn't a smile. 

'Why,' he growled. 'Why won't you fight for me?' 

* * *

The words slipped out before I could stop them, on a beeline from my brain to my mouth. The moment his eyes widened, I wished I could take them back. But I was way too late. Like about three years too late. 

'What did you say?' 

'Chief, listen to me-' But he twisted out of my grasp and began backing away, his hands raised as though warning me not to come any closer, that he might be a danger to me. He was, but not physically. 

'Jim, don't, okay? Just don't! Fight for you? I mean, what the fuck does that mean? And what do I fight with now? I don't have a career left. I don't have a penny to my name, I have nothing, as you keep reminding me. What the fuck have I left to fight with? And why should I? And why the fuck don't you do a bit of the fighting, eh? Eh? Don't you get it, Jim? I've had enough! I ... can't do any more! I ... don't ...' he paused, gulping in a breath, his back against his bedroom door, 'I don't want to any more. Can you understand that, Jim? Can you?' 

'Then what was it all for?' 

Again, my good sense was short-circuited and, hating every second, I held my breath, hoping that my subconscious knew what it was doing. 

'What?' He frowned, shaking his head, his hair going in all directions. 'What was it for?' 

'Yeah. What was it for?' I took in a breath, took a step forward and dared. 'Your sacrifice. Your ... dying in the fountain. What was all that for if you don't fight for me now?' 

Sandburg's eyes went wild, like he had no idea what I was talking about, but knew he was supposed to. 'Jim, look, I know this all seems ...' 

'Damnit, Chief, don't you listen?' Exasperation drove me forward again, drove me to madness I wouldn't have otherwise considered. 'Two weeks ago, in the hospital, I stood there and told you how I felt. Did none of that sink in?' 

'What?' He frowned, and for a second, the rabbit-in-headlights look vanished from his eyes. 'You told me ...' 

'I told you, you were the best damned cop I'd ever met. My best friend. That I couldn't have survived the last three years without you. That I ... That I ...' I came to a halt in front of him, keeping my hands to my sides this time, daring only to use the language he would understand. 'You ... I never told you before. I never thanked you, I know. But, Chief, we live together, you know? We're used to each other. We don't go around all day saying stuff, do we? Guys don't.' 

'Jim,' Blair took a deep breath and prepared himself. 'I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.' 

'We live together, work together. Every day. What, am I supposed to greet you every morning with something like, 'Hey, Chief, but you are the smartest man I've ever met?' or 'Chief, what you did with that piggy-back senses thing was pure genius?' Well, can I?' 

His mouth was open, his eyes studying mine, as though he was certain I was on the verge of a breakdown. It was time. 

'Chief, I never said all that stuff, but I was thinking it. I always did. I always appreciated what you did for me. You kept me sane. You put me back together. Made me human. Taught me a lot. Changed me. I'm ...' again I paused, searching for the language he would most understand, using things I'd heard him say, 'I'm better for the change, Chief. You know it's true.' 

He said nothing for a moment, then sniffed slightly, 'Yeah, well, I guess.' 

'And calling yourself a fraud can't take any of that away, can it?' 

I got a slight half-shrug for that one. So I went on, 'So why won't you fight for me now? You've been fighting for me for the last three years, why not now?' 

'Maybe now it's time for you to fight for yourself.' This was mumbled so low, I had to work to hear it. 

'Chief,' I stepped forward again, forcing him to look up. 'Don't you think it's possible that you won't fight this time because you're afraid of the result?' 

He rolled his eyes, 'Jim, you're speaking in tongues, man. Can we get back to English?' 

'Forget English,' I replied. Without pausing, I put my arms around him again, drew him close, waited for him to look up questioningly, and then I kissed him. 

Man, what a kiss! It lasted no more than a few seconds, but in that infinity, a lance of forever shot through me, and I knew for the first time, that this was it. There wasn't anything after this. 

He shoved me back, pushing until I landed against the counter. 'What the hell was that?' His hand came up to wipe his mouth, but I didn't let him. I caught it, brought it to my lips and kissed it, before pulling him close again. He fought me, but not as strongly as he could have. I held him tight, with an arm around his waist, another cupping the back of his neck. I brought him close again and took another kiss. This went deeper, and I tasted him without reserve, without a clue. I'd never kissed a man before. Did all men taste like this? Or was this just him? Did I care? 

Nope. 

He kept struggling, I kept kissing him, leaving his mouth a moment so he could breathe, licking the straight edge of his jaw, laving the area beneath his ear where the bitter taste spoke of his attraction and where I could be sure I would survive. He hissed at me, begged me to let him go, pleaded with me that I had it all wrong, that Burton never meant, that just because Alex, that there was no need, that we could work things out without, that this was only going to make things worse. That he absolutely _had_ to move out now. 

I kissed him again to shut him up. Oddly, it worked. I swallowed his words, took his protesting hands and placed them around my neck. I left them there and sent mine around him again, roaming, touching, feeling the life of him, loving him, wanting him to know that's what I was doing. 

He held on. And then ... then his kisses answered mine, taking me places I'd never thought of going. The vacation lasted about a month before we surfaced. When we did we were both breathless and more than a little hard. 

'So,' he murmured, his arms still around my neck, but leaning back a little, so he could look me in the eye. 'Mmnnn.' 

'Yep,' I replied. 

'I see.' 

'Uh huh,' I nodded. 

'Interesting.' 

'You bet.' 

He gazed at me a moment longer, then said, 'And you've been on this track how long?' 

I shrugged, 'Since you died.' 

His eyes widened. 'Oh.' 

I let him think about it for a moment, then I said, gathering my courage before me like the tidal wave I needed, 'Chief, stay with me. I can't lose you.' 

'Is maybe ... er ... love a part of this too?' 

I grinned, 'Absolutely.' 

'Uh huh.' He paused a moment longer, then gently disengaged himself. He did however, keep hold of my hand, but I guess he just needed a little space. Then he said, 'Jim, I never wanted to be a cop. You know that. I only ever wanted to be an anthropologist. That's all I dreamed about as a kid. I can't see myself spending the rest of my life as a cop.' 

'Who says you have to spend the rest of your life doing it?' I squeezed his hand. 'Chief, I thought I wanted to stay in the army all my life. Things change, people change. Look how much _we've_ changed. You could make it a platform for you to do something else, right? And hell, I don't know how long I'll work on the streets. I mean, I might change my mind in a couple of years. All I know,' I paused and tugged his hand. After a moment, he came close again, this time, putting his arms around my waist of his own accord. 'All I know is that I want us, you know, together. If that means we're lovers, partners, whatever. I don't care.' 

He gazed at me steadily for moments that had my heart in my throat. Then a warm smile spread over his face, filling his eyes in a way that I hadn't seen since before I'd read that damned introductory chapter. 'Okay, Jim,' he whispered. 'Okay.' 

'Okay?' I murmured, wanting to be convinced, but not sure I could dare yet. 'You'll stay?' 

'I'll stay.' 

'And ... what? What about everything else?' 

'I'll, um, think about the Academy.' 

'Good.' 

'And ... um...' 

I pulled him a little closer, needing that closeness. He was about to pronounce on the most vital aspect of this new Us. 

'I think I might be in love with you,' he whispered, as though afraid to hear it with his own voice. 

'That's a good start.' 

'Yeah, well, it's a surprise, you know? I never ... I mean, I haven't been with ... a guy before. So ...' 

'So we take it slow,' I finished for him, daring, wanting to dare, taking the dare and flying with it. 'We take it slow and learn together. Just like we've always done.' 

'Yeah, Jim,' Blair grinned, as though I'd just made a really good, clever joke we could both share in. 'Yeah, just like we've always done.' 

Then he kissed me and I knew that neither of us had lost anything at all. 

~Finis~ 

* * *

End Public Fraud by Scala: scala8925@yahoo.com

Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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